Tag Archives: strength

Excerpt from my life part 4: what even

Oh hello there!

Does that greeting seem cheery? Good. I’m getting better at this whole “fake it till you make it” thing.

These past years…god. Horribly productive and disturbingly successful. I do not want to go back to any timeline existing between those two damned years. Ugh

Oh wait. Let me go back to my doom and gloom ft. Poetry mode.

Time passes by. That’s what it does. Universes, no matter how sincerely parallel, no matter how distinctively different, have time in common. And in all those universes, time goes on.

And these past 2 years, time has indeed done that. It has responsibly ticked on, one second after the other, one day after night, month after the other. Years. A damn era

It was not easy. Probably the most nerve wrecking two years I’ve had in my 22 years of existence.

And why? Lemme list down reasons. (I’m so sorry my formal writing keeps coming back because I’m currently heavily invested in writing my postgraduate thesis) (nightmare) (ugh) (what is life again?)

Right right, back to the topic!!!

Academics, because of my own feigned ignorance, suffered. And in turn, I suffered. And I began hating academics and thus ignorance struck again. Here we go, I’ve found a new circle of self created viciousness. Congratulations to self.

Lack of trust: does this even need explaining lol (does finger guns at self in the mirror) 😉

Self development, poor thing, hit an all time LOW, yes in capitals, because lets be real, when you can’t handle more than one thing at a time (bc your mental state has gone down the gutter and refuses to come out) but have ten things demanding your very minuscule amount of pure concentrated attention at the same instant, its bound to get pretty fucking unbearable. No lies. Am i right or am i right???? uwu

THAT REMINDS ME, I found new music to gush and cry over. Aaaand while we are on the topic of some meagre good that has happened, perhaps the brightest facet of my so called life (lol) I GOT A PUPPY. AAAAAAAAAH!!!!! He turns one in a few days (throws glitter!!!) (wish my doggo a happy birthday pls)

Now now!

Lets discuss something crucial which is attracting a lot of my attention in present time: lovelife aka heartbreaks and longing lmao time to get cryptic AF because WHAT is a scorpio if not emotionally handicapped and a ticking bomb of things unsaid. Their favourite accessory is Pandora’s Box which contains something more disastrous than a couple of demons (they got nothin on a scorpio ok)

Extreme trust issues and a mix of extreme behaviours. (Withdrawn as well as social) (yeah we’re a handful but we’re nice uwu pls don’t break our walls if you don’t fucking mean to stay)

And with that, enter cryptic references to another failed attempt at an emotion called Love:

You came as a breath of fresh air. Really, you did. And after having lived years and years in toxic environments, it was difficult to accept you existed. And that I knew you. And that you knew me.

In this new shared garden of our lives, trust me, you were the rose and I, your thorn.

You…scared me. Uncharted territories aren’t my thing but there I was, gazing at you, breathing the same air as you, trying to make myself believe that it was real, something so uncharacteristically rare and lovely was becoming a shared reality of my guarded existence, my existence which was: barricading myself, my vulnerable trust, my real, scared, diminished self, at every chance I got because that was the only way I knew of existing. Of not getting hurt. Of living without breathing.

I warned you, time and again, there was nothing worth finding beyond what you saw when you looked at me. Nothing that was good. Nothing that was supposed to be shared. Just a mirage of almost real, self sustained insecurities and a galaxy of impulsive, bold decisions; blooming with flowers made from glass, now diamonds, hardened overtime by the ministrations of time. Glittering, sharp and impenetrable. Unbreakable. Stars glimmering in the infinite, colourless, dark expanse of space.

Beautiful maybe. Lonely, definitely.

Nothing worth finding. Nothing worth exploring.

But you, you stubborn, persistent, ever-caring, unbelievably persuasive human, with your sheer will, challenged my resolute reality, questioned my beliefs and urged me, enticed me into breaking down my guard and letting you in.

I was hesitant, oh I was absolutely sceptical, but you, you gorgeous phantasm, you gently coerced me into trusting you, into believing in you, into showing you my real self.

And I, floating on the realisation of you, you and me, of us, of a future with you; thinking, dreaming, breathing in every thought of you, I fell for you.

Unknowingly.

It was…new.

Lovely. Endearing.

And that was the turning point.

No it really, really, was. You turned away. After glimpsing into my dark, obscure, unflattering reality; thoroughly veiled behind a carefully constructed facade, you…you left.

Just like that, you disappeared. You left, ripped apart our shared realities and left me behind in a mess of my shattered existence.

And I, I smiled ruefully. Truthfully, I had seen the storm brewing over the peaceful horizon. It was soon, too soon to let someone in. But I did. Against every fibre of my being, I did.

I just…why did you do it? Where are you? Why didn’t you say anything? Did I mean nothing to you? Nothing at all to leave me…just like that, no explanations given? Where did all the promises go? Where did all that care and fondness go?

But I paid the price. My walls are higher than ever, my trust scarce than before. So thanks for another lesson I guess, and another epic fail at something called Love.

*cryptic prose over*

AAAAAND now here I am, ignoring the way my heart pains and continuing on with life because ugh, I can NOT be stuck at one place indefinitely.

In the infamous words of my past…flame, “Never let someone else be in control of your happiness.”

So here we are. Life’s going on. I’m moving on. (Or atleast trying to but FUCK does it hurt!)

And I hope whatever traumatic experiences you’re going through, you manage them well and come out with a stable mindset capable of turning healthier.

To all of us who are doing their thesis WE CAN DO THIS.

And to him, lets cross paths in another life time, where we don’t exist in each other’s realities and do just that: cross paths. And move forward.

With all the courage,

—M

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The Girl in the Mirror

“What happened?” I asked the girl standing in front me.

“Nothing. Everything’s fine.” She managed a meagre smile.

It was a blatant lie. The dim, sunken, saddened eyes which conspired with the secretive worry lines, the hollow cheeks with their soft ghastly pallor, the weariness of her once beautifully splendid expressions; said it all.

It was the ruthless decree of nature.

Just like the way lively blue seas gave way to violent typhoons 

Just like the way serene almighty skies gave way to booming thunders

Just like the way steady, humble lands gave way to desolate cracks;

Nature established its cruel beauty in this human relic too.

Marred by the beastial brutality around her, she was still a wonderfully divine sight for she stood defiantly with her shoulders squared and her determination firm. 

It is truly awe inspiring – the way nature changes one. It takes one riding on the highest peaks of ecstasy and elation and as soon one relaxes the minuscule amount, it slams the individual back to the ground, mercilessly and painfully; ramming down the bitter truth that nothing in life came without a price.

That is the wretched goodness of nature. And the aftermath is despicably brilliant.

The once delicate, fragile flower now bore hard, inexorable thorns.

She needed no one to console her, to comfort her. She was well off on her own and even though I heartily despised the drastic changes nature bought upon its inhabitants, I couldn’t help but feel proud of the girl who stood in front of me, on the other side of the reflective glass.

The girl in the mirror was me.

ima

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