Tag Archives: thoughts

Excerpt from my life part 4: what even

Oh hello there!

Does that greeting seem cheery? Good. I’m getting better at this whole “fake it till you make it” thing.

These past years…god. Horribly productive and disturbingly successful. I do not want to go back to any timeline existing between those two damned years. Ugh

Oh wait. Let me go back to my doom and gloom ft. Poetry mode.

Time passes by. That’s what it does. Universes, no matter how sincerely parallel, no matter how distinctively different, have time in common. And in all those universes, time goes on.

And these past 2 years, time has indeed done that. It has responsibly ticked on, one second after the other, one day after night, month after the other. Years. A damn era

It was not easy. Probably the most nerve wrecking two years I’ve had in my 22 years of existence.

And why? Lemme list down reasons. (I’m so sorry my formal writing keeps coming back because I’m currently heavily invested in writing my postgraduate thesis) (nightmare) (ugh) (what is life again?)

Right right, back to the topic!!!

Academics, because of my own feigned ignorance, suffered. And in turn, I suffered. And I began hating academics and thus ignorance struck again. Here we go, I’ve found a new circle of self created viciousness. Congratulations to self.

Lack of trust: does this even need explaining lol (does finger guns at self in the mirror) 😉

Self development, poor thing, hit an all time LOW, yes in capitals, because lets be real, when you can’t handle more than one thing at a time (bc your mental state has gone down the gutter and refuses to come out) but have ten things demanding your very minuscule amount of pure concentrated attention at the same instant, its bound to get pretty fucking unbearable. No lies. Am i right or am i right???? uwu

THAT REMINDS ME, I found new music to gush and cry over. Aaaand while we are on the topic of some meagre good that has happened, perhaps the brightest facet of my so called life (lol) I GOT A PUPPY. AAAAAAAAAH!!!!! He turns one in a few days (throws glitter!!!) (wish my doggo a happy birthday pls)

Now now!

Lets discuss something crucial which is attracting a lot of my attention in present time: lovelife aka heartbreaks and longing lmao time to get cryptic AF because WHAT is a scorpio if not emotionally handicapped and a ticking bomb of things unsaid. Their favourite accessory is Pandora’s Box which contains something more disastrous than a couple of demons (they got nothin on a scorpio ok)

Extreme trust issues and a mix of extreme behaviours. (Withdrawn as well as social) (yeah we’re a handful but we’re nice uwu pls don’t break our walls if you don’t fucking mean to stay)

And with that, enter cryptic references to another failed attempt at an emotion called Love:

You came as a breath of fresh air. Really, you did. And after having lived years and years in toxic environments, it was difficult to accept you existed. And that I knew you. And that you knew me.

In this new shared garden of our lives, trust me, you were the rose and I, your thorn.

You…scared me. Uncharted territories aren’t my thing but there I was, gazing at you, breathing the same air as you, trying to make myself believe that it was real, something so uncharacteristically rare and lovely was becoming a shared reality of my guarded existence, my existence which was: barricading myself, my vulnerable trust, my real, scared, diminished self, at every chance I got because that was the only way I knew of existing. Of not getting hurt. Of living without breathing.

I warned you, time and again, there was nothing worth finding beyond what you saw when you looked at me. Nothing that was good. Nothing that was supposed to be shared. Just a mirage of almost real, self sustained insecurities and a galaxy of impulsive, bold decisions; blooming with flowers made from glass, now diamonds, hardened overtime by the ministrations of time. Glittering, sharp and impenetrable. Unbreakable. Stars glimmering in the infinite, colourless, dark expanse of space.

Beautiful maybe. Lonely, definitely.

Nothing worth finding. Nothing worth exploring.

But you, you stubborn, persistent, ever-caring, unbelievably persuasive human, with your sheer will, challenged my resolute reality, questioned my beliefs and urged me, enticed me into breaking down my guard and letting you in.

I was hesitant, oh I was absolutely sceptical, but you, you gorgeous phantasm, you gently coerced me into trusting you, into believing in you, into showing you my real self.

And I, floating on the realisation of you, you and me, of us, of a future with you; thinking, dreaming, breathing in every thought of you, I fell for you.

Unknowingly.

It was…new.

Lovely. Endearing.

And that was the turning point.

No it really, really, was. You turned away. After glimpsing into my dark, obscure, unflattering reality; thoroughly veiled behind a carefully constructed facade, you…you left.

Just like that, you disappeared. You left, ripped apart our shared realities and left me behind in a mess of my shattered existence.

And I, I smiled ruefully. Truthfully, I had seen the storm brewing over the peaceful horizon. It was soon, too soon to let someone in. But I did. Against every fibre of my being, I did.

I just…why did you do it? Where are you? Why didn’t you say anything? Did I mean nothing to you? Nothing at all to leave me…just like that, no explanations given? Where did all the promises go? Where did all that care and fondness go?

But I paid the price. My walls are higher than ever, my trust scarce than before. So thanks for another lesson I guess, and another epic fail at something called Love.

*cryptic prose over*

AAAAAND now here I am, ignoring the way my heart pains and continuing on with life because ugh, I can NOT be stuck at one place indefinitely.

In the infamous words of my past…flame, “Never let someone else be in control of your happiness.”

So here we are. Life’s going on. I’m moving on. (Or atleast trying to but FUCK does it hurt!)

And I hope whatever traumatic experiences you’re going through, you manage them well and come out with a stable mindset capable of turning healthier.

To all of us who are doing their thesis WE CAN DO THIS.

And to him, lets cross paths in another life time, where we don’t exist in each other’s realities and do just that: cross paths. And move forward.

With all the courage,

—M

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I am:

I am my own miracle, I am my own curse

I am my own rhythm, I am my own verse

I am my own catastrophe, I am my own desire

I am my own death, dark and heavy, a wildfire

I am my own demise, silver, shimmery, suffocating

I am my own air, vast, abundant, truly berating

I am my own hell, raging, writhing, indecisive

I am my own life: grey, stale, chaos and crisis

I am my own solace, estranged but devouring

I am my own downfall, chosen but empowering

Birthday Gift?

I waited.

Where were you?

I waited and waited and waited.

I witnessed the sunsets, saw it as the sun became one with the ocean at last, gold embracing the deep sapphire

I watched as the gentle autumn wind teased the dried leaves, watched as they fell and kissed the ground

I watched the snow fall, saw it as it delicately settled on the barren branches, covering the brittle brown with the softest of whites

I saw the drizzling showers, watched as they shyly nuzzled against the mellow laughter emanating from under a shared umbrella

I waited I waited I waited

But where are you?

“I’ll see you on your birthday.” You had promised, had smiled as you did and left with a hug, whose warmth I stil craved.

And I had promised to wait.

A year has passed.

It’s my birthday today. I’m still waiting, but where are you?

-m.k.

Sleep

The night of her twentieth birthday left bittersweet feelings brewing in her. It was supposed to be a start of something new, something fresh. The last year of her teenage, waiting for her to take full advantage of it in the few minutes left of it.

The last remnant of naive carelessness.

She should have been out partying with her friends, if she had any, probably getting high on all sorts of substances, should have been getting lost in the feel of a warm body against her as she lost herself to the rhythmic plethora of heavy bass beats, some sort of new EDM track as club lights glimmered with sweat on her skin; trying to forget her miserable existence of a life as she managed to squeeze in a couple of wild moments. 

But here she was, looking out her window, gazing at the half hidden moon as she lay sprawled across a modest bed in a room she shared with her elder sister, who was sound asleep.

She had been looking at it for hours now, at the moon, at the only companion with whom she dared to share her sorrows, lost in studying the shadowy splotches marring its shining silvery surface. Stars shone like pearls across the night sky, playing hide and seek with the clouds. 

Night was her only getaway. And moon, her salvation. 


She let loose a long sigh she didn’t realise she had been holding in. 

There was so much she wished to convey to the moon. So much that weighed heavily on her thoughts, somehow settling in her chest and making it uneasy for her to breathe. 

Maybe the reality of what she was about to do was finally sinking in somewhere in that subconscious part of her mind. 

The stress had been too much to handle recently. She tried everything in her power to make things as manageable as she could. But the last couple of years had been relentless upon her. 

She worked so hard, so hard, to become the child her parents so ardently desired. Improved her scores in school, maintained a good body shape, got in a well respected university, graduated with a modest set of scores. Academics were as hard as they could be but the extra curriculars were a separate issue. 

You have talent, people would say. You can achieve so much, they would say rather disdainfully, so much potential but you’re not doing it right. A failure. 

She had tried to make it right. She had become unrivalled. Still, it never seemed enough, not to her but for the people around her. 

She could top in her academics and her extra cirriculars, be the best in them across the face of earth but there was only so much she could bear when she constantly stood on the recieving end of negative comments. 

Once, just once if someone said something nice…
She couldn’t remember the last time she had laughed, or even smiled, simply because she wanted to.

But it all came down to her other recluse, her other escape from her wretched life. 

Sleep

 No one understood her when she tried explaining how she didn’t have a reason to wake up from her sleep; no one even tried; as it was always dismissed as her being lazy. 

And to her grief, as much as she tried, she couldn’t shake off that one label. She was anything but lazy. But no one seemed to care about her thoughts; her mother’s, her father’s and her sister’s voices were always in her mind, scolding her for giving in to her sleep. 

As if she did it out of choice. 

So for once, finally, she decided. Decided to give in to her sleep willingly, so her kin would find their claims fulfilled, so she could finally be guilty of a crime she did commit. 

And that night, as the moon hid behind the heavy clouds, she went to sleep one last time as a nineteen year old and never woke up. 

We Could Have Been More

I would miss you endlessly, when apart

You would kiss me to mend my heart

I would cuddle you when a storm lingered by

You would walk me home, hug me when I cry

I would shower you with all my gushing

You would shake your head, say sweet nothings

I would surprise you with your favourite meals.

You would wink at me and damn, those feels!

You would promise me the stars, the sun, the moon

In the cover of night I would sneak in your bedroom

We would talk about anything and everything

We would look at each other and say nothing

We would compliment each other out of the blue

When we would fight, hell would have no clue

We would say those words of love and care

And pray for this to last, precious and rare

But this was my dream, now growing distant and uncared for

Because there was never a we, but we could have been more.
-m.k.

Excerpt from my Life part 3 (The last letter to my love)

Dearest Love,

I wish to say so many things to you. So many thoughts I wish to say out loud but alas I can’t find the words. Its silly, really. 

But what’s the harm in trying right? So here goes. 


See, we’ve been through a lot, haven’t we? Of course we have. We’ve come a long way from being strangers. Here we are now, on the crossroads where calling each other friends won’t do justice to the relationship that we have. Definitely more than friends but arguably not lovers

Being affectionate towards each other was normal for us, especially in our own unique ways. I’m referring to you and me calling each other some crazy names and also the time where we threatened to destroy some essential belongings of each other’s. Also let’s not forget the physical proximity and those rare but kind and hugely impactful gestures. 

See, the problem is, somewhere through the journey, my affection grew but not yours. I tried to not let it get to me because believe it or not, it would have affected the way things were between us, however they were– good or bad, doesn’t matter.

Also, you being in love with someone else didn’t really help my situation. 

So, here I am, writing a letter to you which you would never read, I’ll make sure of it. One might say, “Yeah, sure. You’re posting it online!” Don’t worry, I’m covered. My love doesn’t like reading stuff. Chill. 

Coming back, I have distanced myself from you, physically and virtually at least and you know that. There’s a strong possibility of you never hearing from me again, ever; and as much as I hope for it to happen, I know you’re not going to contact me either. You just aren’t like that, you know? Like the ones who make effort for someone they care about. At least in this case, you’re not. And if you have a problem in showing that you care I guess its good that we’re parting ways

You’re gonna be fine without me. You know it, I know it. Can’t say the same about myself.


In any case, until this humongous feeling of love that I have for you goes away from my mind and my heart, I’ll keep looking at your pictures, at our pictures, and I’ll keep walking down the memory lane, reminiscing about our precious times together.


Until I fall out of love with you,

Yours and only yours,

M

P.S. I never got the chance to say this out loud but I fucking love you.

In the middle of a heartache 

I don’t need that morning text from you but it would be nice to see it once in a while.

I don’t need you to pamper me with precious jewels, a rose from you would make me smile. 

I don’t need you to call me and talk all day but you know how much I love hearing your voice at the end of the day. 

I don’t need you to say how much you love me but randomly hearing how much I mean to you soothes my insecurities.

I don’t need you to bring me the moon and the stars, but a cuddle with you as we watch them shine is my fairytale. 

I don’t need you to talk to me on phone for hours on end but hearing you say “baby, please stay” warms my heart. 

I don’t need you say I’m beautiful when my eyeliner is perfect, but hearing you say I’m perfect especially when I’m not, heals me. 

I don’t mind the kisses but hugs would be a cherry on top.

Its the little things you do that make me love you more but it saddens me to say you don’t do them anymore. 

–m.k.