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Sleep

The night of her twentieth birthday left bittersweet feelings brewing in her. It was supposed to be a start of something new, something fresh. The last year of her teenage, waiting for her to take full advantage of it in the few minutes left of it.

The last remnant of naive carelessness.

She should have been out partying with her friends, if she had any, probably getting high on all sorts of substances, should have been getting lost in the feel of a warm body against her as she lost herself to the rhythmic plethora of heavy bass beats, some sort of new EDM track as club lights glimmered with sweat on her skin; trying to forget her miserable existence of a life as she managed to squeeze in a couple of wild moments. 

But here she was, looking out her window, gazing at the half hidden moon as she lay sprawled across a modest bed in a room she shared with her elder sister, who was sound asleep.

She had been looking at it for hours now, at the moon, at the only companion with whom she dared to share her sorrows, lost in studying the shadowy splotches marring its shining silvery surface. Stars shone like pearls across the night sky, playing hide and seek with the clouds. 

Night was her only getaway. And moon, her salvation. 


She let loose a long sigh she didn’t realise she had been holding in. 

There was so much she wished to convey to the moon. So much that weighed heavily on her thoughts, somehow settling in her chest and making it uneasy for her to breathe. 

Maybe the reality of what she was about to do was finally sinking in somewhere in that subconscious part of her mind. 

The stress had been too much to handle recently. She tried everything in her power to make things as manageable as she could. But the last couple of years had been relentless upon her. 

She worked so hard, so hard, to become the child her parents so ardently desired. Improved her scores in school, maintained a good body shape, got in a well respected university, graduated with a modest set of scores. Academics were as hard as they could be but the extra curriculars were a separate issue. 

You have talent, people would say. You can achieve so much, they would say rather disdainfully, so much potential but you’re not doing it right. A failure. 

She had tried to make it right. She had become unrivalled. Still, it never seemed enough, not to her but for the people around her. 

She could top in her academics and her extra cirriculars, be the best in them across the face of earth but there was only so much she could bear when she constantly stood on the recieving end of negative comments. 

Once, just once if someone said something nice…
She couldn’t remember the last time she had laughed, or even smiled, simply because she wanted to.

But it all came down to her other recluse, her other escape from her wretched life. 

Sleep

 No one understood her when she tried explaining how she didn’t have a reason to wake up from her sleep; no one even tried; as it was always dismissed as her being lazy. 

And to her grief, as much as she tried, she couldn’t shake off that one label. She was anything but lazy. But no one seemed to care about her thoughts; her mother’s, her father’s and her sister’s voices were always in her mind, scolding her for giving in to her sleep. 

As if she did it out of choice. 

So for once, finally, she decided. Decided to give in to her sleep willingly, so her kin would find their claims fulfilled, so she could finally be guilty of a crime she did commit. 

And that night, as the moon hid behind the heavy clouds, she went to sleep one last time as a nineteen year old and never woke up. 

Excerpt from my Life part 3 (The last letter to my love)

Dearest Love,

I wish to say so many things to you. So many thoughts I wish to say out loud but alas I can’t find the words. Its silly, really. 

But what’s the harm in trying right? So here goes. 


See, we’ve been through a lot, haven’t we? Of course we have. We’ve come a long way from being strangers. Here we are now, on the crossroads where calling each other friends won’t do justice to the relationship that we have. Definitely more than friends but arguably not lovers

Being affectionate towards each other was normal for us, especially in our own unique ways. I’m referring to you and me calling each other some crazy names and also the time where we threatened to destroy some essential belongings of each other’s. Also let’s not forget the physical proximity and those rare but kind and hugely impactful gestures. 

See, the problem is, somewhere through the journey, my affection grew but not yours. I tried to not let it get to me because believe it or not, it would have affected the way things were between us, however they were– good or bad, doesn’t matter.

Also, you being in love with someone else didn’t really help my situation. 

So, here I am, writing a letter to you which you would never read, I’ll make sure of it. One might say, “Yeah, sure. You’re posting it online!” Don’t worry, I’m covered. My love doesn’t like reading stuff. Chill. 

Coming back, I have distanced myself from you, physically and virtually at least and you know that. There’s a strong possibility of you never hearing from me again, ever; and as much as I hope for it to happen, I know you’re not going to contact me either. You just aren’t like that, you know? Like the ones who make effort for someone they care about. At least in this case, you’re not. And if you have a problem in showing that you care I guess its good that we’re parting ways

You’re gonna be fine without me. You know it, I know it. Can’t say the same about myself.


In any case, until this humongous feeling of love that I have for you goes away from my mind and my heart, I’ll keep looking at your pictures, at our pictures, and I’ll keep walking down the memory lane, reminiscing about our precious times together.


Until I fall out of love with you,

Yours and only yours,

M

P.S. I never got the chance to say this out loud but I fucking love you.

In the middle of a heartache 

I don’t need that morning text from you but it would be nice to see it once in a while.

I don’t need you to pamper me with precious jewels, a rose from you would make me smile. 

I don’t need you to call me and talk all day but you know how much I love hearing your voice at the end of the day. 

I don’t need you to say how much you love me but randomly hearing how much I mean to you soothes my insecurities.

I don’t need you to bring me the moon and the stars, but a cuddle with you as we watch them shine is my fairytale. 

I don’t need you to talk to me on phone for hours on end but hearing you say “baby, please stay” warms my heart. 

I don’t need you say I’m beautiful when my eyeliner is perfect, but hearing you say I’m perfect especially when I’m not, heals me. 

I don’t mind the kisses but hugs would be a cherry on top.

Its the little things you do that make me love you more but it saddens me to say you don’t do them anymore. 

–m.k.

Desire.

“Me? I am a daydream. A beautiful daydream you encounter every once in a blue moon, that manages to slip through your secret, muted thoughts and lands into your conscience with a feathery lightness. My intensity is unmatched but alas, I slip out of your conscience just as easily. However, I leave behind an impression when I go. A vague imprint of something fresh, that you’ll crave for a long time. A daydream that transforms into a concept of reality when it returns.

I am nothing but desire.” 

 
-m.k.